Life

Once again I've been away from blogsville for too long. I want to come up with a reasonable excuse but I honestly don't have one.
Last time I blogged I wrote about 'emotional strain' being my therapy. Question is, 'Did it work out for me?' I'm proud to say It did. My life isn't close to perfect but I must say that I'm happy. Even with the trials, the hurt and deceit I'm still happy.
I love life and all that it has to offer me...

:)

Therapy

Woah! I wish there was a perfect road in life sadly there isn't. I haven't been here in a while I didn't lose my ability to write I just lost my will to interact with people. I know that sounds strange but its the truth. The past two months has been filled with so many emotions. Honestly I've experienced more happiness than I have in a long time. I've cried, laughed, danced, sang, screamed, rolled on the floor, smiled till my face hurt like I said I've experienced so many emotions. At the end of all of this I just didn't want to be bothered. As I type this up I'm at that point of what my mom calls 'emotional strain'. No matter what kind of emotion it is, I've found out through my experience one can be 'too happy' or 'too sad'. These months have taught me that.

I've always loved but this two months I've loved more than I've ever done. I've fought for love like I never thought I will. I've stuck it out like I never thought I will. I've changed some things in my life. My MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME LOVE FOR ANYONE WASN'T PERFECT . I never understood what she meant but I do now. It seems like with the beginning of my 18Th year on this earth. God wanted me to experience this things first hand. or how else can I explain this when everything started at exactly 1:10 am August 1st 2009(I will never forget that time)... It seems that God wanted me to know that he understands me more than I can ever think. I'm not saying that I've been doing things according to God's will these months. I'm just saying that although I don't know the path that was laid for me by God, he already knows the sins I will commit and he knew that this emotions were going to come through.

For 2 years I've been holding a lot in. I held in love, tears, happiness, peace and much more. Not anymore though, These two months have taught me to let it all out. No more a prisoner within myself now I'm an eagle with wings ready to soar.

I know what I'm about to say might sound weird but in this is my Therapy. Normally it's the other way round, one needs therapy from this emotional strain but to me this emotional strain is MY THERAPY. I've loved in the dark for too long. I've let people dictate who I'm meant to love and when I'm meant to cry. I've let them tell me when to stop loving and when to start to love again. Guess what? Not anymore I've found my therapy and it feels good to cry sometimes :)

P.S: Jennifer Hudson - 'We gon' fight' my song for October! :)

Insomniac

I'm on a battle field
Brain dead
Body weak
Yet the battle only gets worse
Eyes watering Body motionless
Yet, the insomnia in me wins
I'm an insonmiac...


Okay so its just a short poem
That describes the life I live!
I hope everyone in blogsville is doing good!
I wish I could write much but I have to go...
So
Purple Kiss3s!

I found it!!!!

Wow! I feel like I've been away from blogsville forever!

Summer! Summer! I have been on the road ever since it started so my apologies...I instead started a journal ...

My friends tell me summer is all about relationships, the beach parties, shopping and just sticking to the diva rules! :) Well it has been about that and much more for me. I've reunited with people, lost some and gained some. I've learnt more about life and I seem to get a better perspective everyday!

Through oput this summer, my journal which was originally was just supposed to be a scrap book ended up being the only way I can really explain this summer 2009 to anyone. Every week I have sat down and written whatever has come to mind of the past week. Someway, somehow it has become a series of life events.

Road Trip!

Everyone gets excited

Three teenagers going on a road trip

Such exhilaration!

Freedom indeed!

Lol! but thats how we really felt

For me road trips are a time to reflect on life, a time to just let go and relax!

Well on one of my road trips I did exactly that but this one was different.

I wrote this while on the road trip;

...And I found it

I looked at the trees long enough

And I found it

I don't know how or why

But I found it

I can hear it

What did I find?

I found solitude

I found life and hope

I found tranquility like never before

I really did find it

My heart beats loudly

because I found what I need

I found what I've been searching for

I know now to be like the tree always growing back

To fight hard

Through the hurricanes, rains, earthquakes

I know now to be the protection needed by the world

Yes! I found what I needed for that day

I did find it!

I found it in the trees!

Purple kiss3s

I've been away for a while. I'm sorry I have been going through a phase but I believe I'm fine now. Please bear with me if at the end this post is random. Please understand if somewhere in the middle I digress. Please forgive me if I disappoint you with this post or If you still don't understand what I'm getting at. 'Try to understand my words through the rhythm and not just the concept.'


Who am I? No really who am I?
A question that never seems to be answered. I am who I choose to be. I am a child of God. I am ME. I know these answers but is that really who I am? Or is that just what the world wants me to be?
Sometimes I honestly feel like the world is just too big for me. I feel like I'm gettin lost in a world that grows with every passing day. I find myself never doing anything on impulse anymore because I don't want to be overwhelmed. Everyday I am a new person. A person open to all the challenges and opportunities in life. The only thing that stops me from taking them on is because the decision is mine. Now I'm scared to decide for myself. What if I make the wrong decision? Okay! maybe I'm just crazy thinking all these thoughts. I apologize but it's the work of society.
I've heard so many times that I'm a prisoner of words unsaid. I disagree. I believe I'm a prisoner to the world. I might be a prisoner to words unspoken. The truth is I am bound to the pen and paper till death comes. It's my fault I allowed for words to flow through me. Now sometimes it becomes too much. Sometimes I want the chains to be broken. To the world there is nothing like a happy prison. To me, there seems to be. I might not always be happy when the words flow but I am in my own little cell room.
So who am I? Still an unanswered question. I believe that as the years grow I will understand better. Honestly I want so much out of life. I want the undefinable, unexpectable and much more. I don't have expectations because then nothing will be a surprise. I know though that I will find myself one day. I hate the feeling of loneliness when you have the best people int he world that care about you. I hate the feeling of resignment when you know you can't give up on anyone or anything. I hate heartbreaks, hurt and much more. I hate all this but can't avoid them because the world is made by these things.
I might not know who I am but I know who I choose to be. I choose to be the girl who laughs when she's really hurt. The girl who refuses to fall into a particular stereotype. I choose to be the girl who loves whole heartedly even though she knows she just might get hurt in the end. I choose to be the one who loves without asking for it in return. I choose not to let the world swallow me till all I see is darkness. I choose not to cry even though my insides are nothing but salty tears from the cries I never seem to shed. I choose to keep the tears inside of me because that's another part of me I refuse to let the world take from me.
I'm tired of hearing your cries even though U don't let me hear them. I'm tired of seeing you struggling, I'm tired of hearing stories of hurt and death. I choose to be the girl who loves God because 4 years ago I would have gone crazy but He pulled me through. So I owe him a lot. I owe him this life I live. I owe him gratitude everyday for keeping my family. I love God.
And days like this when I feel like life is throwing everything at me. At times when I feel like the tears are about to pour out of me and flood the world. When I'm sad and I just don't know why I just choose to remain the girl lost.
I'm okay though thats one thing I know. I'll be fine. I'm scared but I'll be fine.

I don't know what this post was about.....

Purple Kiss3s

One week --->Lessons learned

Hi
...It's 1:15 AM and I'm sitting here thinking of what to inform my blogsville world. lol
I learnt a lot since the beginning of my vacation so I decided to share it with you all
Let me first of all note that some might make sense and some just really would not to whoever reads.....

- People move on, people die, life is not constant but that does not mean I would not live my forever till it is my last
- People say I've changed and it made me question myself until I realized I haven't changed I'm just finally coming into my own person I mean for crying out loud people I am not even 21 yet. This is finally me.
- I cant stand when people say I know you so I know what you are thinking. The honest truth is you don't know me. You know what I let you know.
-In life, when it comes to relationships I can't even vouch for my family members or so called friends because when you try to help them in thier relationships and you talk good about them, in the end they are still men or women. They tell you they love whoever but in reality all they really want to do is 'have sex' and this is why I have come to the conclusion that I would not help or plead for anyone in a relationship any longer
- There was a time when being a virgin was what the men wanted. Now, men don't want virgins. Isn't that a bitch? It's amazing how morals sort of go upside down. This leads to my next point
- Men these days are gradually making it hard for girls to remain virgins. It seems that the new rule is a virgin does not deserve any romantic kind of love whatsoever from the opposite sex. This is because once you utter your status they seem to kind of back off.
-There is always that one person who you feel like no matter how much you fall out, no matter how many times they try you, you still care deeply for them.
-Prayer is a very important part of life.
- Be happy everyday, always wake up happy!!!! :) It works wonders for the rest of the day!....

Good night bloggers or rather Good morning!
I hope this few pointers mean something to you like they do to me.

Purple Kiss3s

Music Addicts Anonymous

Hi!

Is there anything wrong when you wake up in the morning and all you want to do is fill your ears with a tune. it doesn't matter just a tune? Is there a problem when every note, every melody begins to sound ALIKE even though they are completely opposite? The truth is its not the notes or melodies that matter it's simply one's perception of things.
My usual greeting to the world goes like this, "Hi Everyone! My name is *blah blah* and I'm a music addict, shopaholic and shoe addict." Yes! I know this is the story of my life! lol! Lately though I'm a bit worried about my addictions. I can't go to sleep without listening to music. In the morning when I wake up thats the first thing I have to do or I'll have a bad day! Basically I have to listen to some kind of music every two hours if I dont I just get so irritated by everything around me. It's so bad that now all the genres of music have blended into one big genre for me. I'm at a point where the music is my life that I'm holding on to so dearly! And don't get me started on my other addictions but I think they can be kept under wraps since the music addiction is the issue lately.
I need to go on craiglist to find a music addict group maybe it will help :(
*************************************************************

A couple of friends and I are going on a vacation for two weeks. I must say this is the highlight of this month because as you all know I havent really been doing too good. I'm excited! time to go shopping, buy more hoes and more cd's! Oops! here I go again talking bout the loves of my life :)
I keep explaining to people that these are the things that keep me sane when everything seems to be falling apart. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Purple Kiss3s